This is the beginning.

December, 2015.

I met with my consultant today. He has been my renal consultant since I was diagnosed with Primary Glomerulo Nephritis in 2009. After a long year of many ups and downs, I have finally been told I need a kidney transplant. They don't use those words when they tell you though. They say ...'renal replacement therapy....'. I don't know if that is supposed to soften the blow a little and maybe it actually did, but the end result is the same.
I smiled, told him we would discuss it further after Christmas then I left his office.

That really was the worst thing I could have done. I spent the entire Christmas break wondering, guessing and imagining what was coming next. I didn't know whether I would need dialysis, if I was going straight on the list, whether I was actually well and it was just a precautionary measure (we always live in hope eh?). I just didn't know - and that was a mistake on my part because I couldn't enjoy Christmas.

I spent alternate days crying and being fine. Every other day I wondered how the kids would cope if I died either waiting for a kidney, in surgery or due to some other complication. It seems silly in retrospect but I'm allowing myself those feelings - they were very real.
Friends asked how I was feeling and I told them ...."time for a new kidney, bit of a bummer, but just have to get on with it..." with a smile on my face and a "sure it'll be grand"..totally downplaying what was to be an enormous upheaval in my life.
I can say now, that I am sure it will all be fine. Like many before me, I may need dialysis and the next few months or years will be spent waiting for a kidney. In theory, its a simple procedure but from an emotional perspective its huge. Somebody else, in otherwise perfect health, will die...and I will get their kidney. Let that one sink in for a minute.

At the moment, I am not sick. To look at me, my hair is shiny, my make up is done, I wear nice clothes and I don't walk around like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. People tell me every day I look great. Thank you! I like to look well. Appearance means a lot to me. For any of you who workout frequently - you know the satisfaction of looking in the mirror and being happy with your body. But the truth is that no matter what I look like, my body isn't working efficiently. I'm not filtering out all the rubbish that would usually be filtered out by my kidneys and this is building up in my blood. The result is that I feel hungover. I gave up alcohol because I hated the hangovers and now, ironically, I have a perpetual one. My head feels foggy, I have an underlying feeling of nausea that just sits at the periphery, I have lost my appetite for nice food and I am constantly exhausted. It is probably the last of these that bothers me the most. I am a "do-er". I swim, I cycle, I run, I lift weights, I ride horses... as you can see, I live a very active lifestyle and I love it. At the moment, I can just about manage a walk on the beach 3 times a week. Even at that, I spend 2 hrs asleep in the middle of every day on top of my 8 hrs at night. THIS bothers me. I understand that it is important to spend some time on me, on just being, but understanding and accepting are two different things.

So, what is next for Fiona? Tomorrow, I go for blood tests that will check my blood type, assess my level of antibodies and basically put me into a category for they type of kidney I will need for transplant. It's not just a case of 'join the queue' and wait until its my turn. There are lots of factors to look at when searching for a match. Following this, I will get an appointment for Beaumont Hospital to meet with the transplant team and hopefully get a place on the waiting list.

All I can do from here is to take one day at a time and keep my fingers crossed that I stay as healthy as I can in the interim. Its a wait and see game from here on in.